Ambitions. Or the lack of it.

I had a fight with my mother today. Nothing new about it… Except that this one had me thinking. We fought over same old shit.. She thinks I have no aim in life, that I waste my time loitering around on the net.. that I am not at all ambitious.. and blah-blah and blah. She generally raises this issue once in a week. And gets invariably the same reaction from me everytime .. That don’t worry, I will figure out soon what I really want to do. Not this time.. This time.. I conceded that she is actually right. That I really have no idea what I wanna do with my life. I have agreed to prepare for CAT.. But deep inside I know the sound of MBA pisses me off. Well not just because I think it’s the most clichéd thing in the world to do.. But also because.. well.. it doesn’t sound like my cup of tea.

I tried to convince her that I could drop a year.. and prepare for more than one thing.. Like I believe it is wokable if I prepare for CAT and Mass Comm simultaneously (after dropping a year, that is. I can never.. like NEVER give up that faint little hope of becoming a journo some day.) My mother blew me up on this. Her argument: 1.) Why on earth do you keep insisting on dropping a year when everybody else is doing it without dropping a year. [Breaking News: I am not everybody.] 2.) CAT and Mass Comm ! How the hell can you do two things together ? You need to focus on one thing to excel in it ! [Maa.. I am dropping a year, I am goin to have relatively more time at my disposal.]
3.) Why do you want to do Mass Comm in the first place ?!? [As if you haven’t known this all along.. As if you are stranger to the fact that one must do what he/she loves doing.. and not necessarily that which fetches more money]

Its true I am yet to decide what I have to do with my life.. Kill me for it ?? My own life is one big mess.. My decisions leave me flustered, red faced with embarrassment. I always end up leaving the more important things on others to do.. Because I fear I might not do it right. And I should do an MBA ? Manage things, make decisions for others.. when my own life is controlled by external forces ?!?

A lot of times I am asked.. How do you see yourself 5 years down the line ? I tell myself.. Regretful. Inspite of everything.. I kinda know I will be doing an MBA or its financially prosperous equivalent. I spent my summers teaching kids.. and I confess I loved every bit of it. I realized I had a flair for teaching.. It came as naturally to me as talking to myself. And the response was great. The kids were equally receptive. My ultimate fantasy also happens to be among adorable 2 years olds.. and watch them grow. Does that mean I want to be a Primary school Teacher ? Hell, yes ! Even as I write this, I can feel the pangs of guilt biting into my conscience. My mother.. will nothing short of explode on hearing this. “Are you out of your mind ? Who becomes a Primary School Teacher for god’s sake ?” [ I do. You have a problem ? Too bad.]

I plan to start my MBA preparation is January 2010. And I promise Maa.. that I will give it my best shot. Certainly, wont let you down there. But what I cant promise.. is whether I will be happy doing it. Not that it matters, anyway.

---

S